Sunday, September 2, 2012

just a cup of tea and my thoughts

I think I will make an attempt at blogging ... If I haven't forgotten how. May be the rain has me in the mood to put some thoughts to paper (virtual paper). After living through a scorching and dry summer, this steady drizzle has dredged up some strong nostalgia and a little homesickness. 

We moved from Seattle to rural Illinois a full year ago this month. I still don't feel at home. There are many things that I love about living in the country, and I'm excited about what our future here holds, but there's still a huge void. I miss the city, I miss people, I miss culture and diversity, I miss having a job, I miss feeling truly inspired and stimulated.  

I think the rare blue moon brought out some crazy in me, did you feel it? I went sorta nuts on Friday and am still recovering. Whether it was the moon or just a wake up call, I had a moment when I realized that I'm not really living, but just going through the motions. I've never been the type of person that is okay with just letting my life happen. I haven't been in control, and I haven't been doing the things I love (like blogging!) I haven't set up my darkroom and we've been here for a year! I set out on a mission to be more adventurous when I turned 27 and I have certainly not seized the day.

It's not intuitive how to break from a slump. You feel tired and always want to rest, but the more you rest the worse you feel. You don't want to leave the house and don't have the energy to get ready, even though it's probably the only thing that can help pull you up. 

Now that I'm recovering from my self proclaimed astrological awakening, I'm feeling strangely recharged. I think I will convince my husband to stay awake with me until midnight and declare September 3rd New Years Day. That's step one, step two is blogging again, and step three is getting out my 4x5 camera, dusting it off, and remembering why I'm a photographer. 

My apologies for the sudden and unexpected diary entry but it's all part of the process ;) 


Did you know that if you drop a frog into boiling water it will jump out immediately, no harm being done to it.... But if you put a frog in cold water and slowly heat it to a boil it won't have the wit to realize the danger it is in and your poor frog will boil to death? 


  1. Right this very moment I feel as though our souls are completely linked. I mean they've always been linked in some way or another but right now I feel like we are going through the same exact thing. I was talking to someone about Louisiana and the city of New Orleans recently and how people here just have a completely different mentality when it comes to work or anything. I'm not saying it's bad I'm just saying it's different and involves a lot of just letting life happen rather than putting in an effort to make good things happen. He told me the same thing about the frog that you did in reference to what could happen to him if he stayed in the city for too long. He's not originally from here. He just felt like if he stayed here long enough he would adopt the same mentality as everyone else and then never leave. Anyway, I know exactly how you feel. Even though Louisiana was my home before I lived in Seattle it hasn't quite felt like home at all in the 3 years I've been back. I don't know if Seattle is my home either anymore but I do know there is another adventure to be had and many more places to explore. For some reason the Oregon coast is calling me and I have this strong desire to go live there even though I've never been before. I miss being around people and being in a city that has different types of cultures rather than just the one that is New Orleans. I feel so out of the loop these days and like I hardly ever make any human contact. I do always feel like I want to rest and it makes me feel worse. I never want to leave the house and the longer I stay in it the more and more my social anxiety grows.... but leaving the house really is the only thing that can help pull you out of it. I guess I should have written a blog about how I've been feeling lately or maybe just had a late night conversation with you. In the last couple of weeks I've been feeling somewhat recharged as well though and I'm hoping to make some changes. Good luck to you my friend!

  2. I spent almost my whole summer in a funk. I felt completely lost. I was burned out on life but knew that I was letting precious time pass me by. I made the incredibly hard decision to take the summer off from my studio and focus on having fun with my family. While now I feel a bit behind I also feel completely refreshed and open-minded. I am ready to take on my busy season with a fresh outlook and my mind is overflowing with new ideas to bring to the table. I think that it is natural for us all to go through awkward times in our lives, to be a bit lost. It really makes us stronger and realize the importance of seizing the day. I know that you are feeling a bit homesick but know that we are glad that you and your family are here and that we are THRILLED to have your talent at The Factory!

  3. God love ya! I'm in a similar place, tho' I'm where I've always been. I haven't felt at home, and have just been going through the motions for nearly 5 years now...since my first was born and Epilepsy hit us like a...something incredibly devastating. I have been seeing more and more glimmers of hope and glimpses of my "old self", and am actually excited for life for the first time in too long. I hope your personal New Year's is so very full of blessings!

    p.s. I'm in Illinois, as well, tho' it's my home state.

  4. I grew up in Seattle and moved to Portland more than 20 years ago, and sometimes I still feel like I'm not really home. Can't imagine leaving the northwest altogether. I made a big move about a year ago, too (combining my household with my beau's), and felt similar things throughout the summer. I think big changes are hard, and it just takes time to work through them and find our new normal. I'm guessing that consciously making yourself do some of your favorite things will get you unstuck. Good luck--

  5. Thank you everyone, for your kind words and encouragement! Sometimes one of the best things is to know you're not alone <3 <3 <3

  6. I'm sorry to hear that you feel like that.
    When I moved from Dublin to Copenhagen almost six years ago, I thought that it would be as easy as it was when I moved from Stockholm to Dublin 12 years previous.. it wasn't..
    It was then that I realized how Irish I had become, I just didn't get the people and their humour and felt very out of place. What made it worse was that although Swedish and Danish are fairly close language-wise, I didn't understand them! To me, it sounded like they were speaking Swedish with their mouths full of hot potatoes. Just ordering a take away coffee was a huge deal and I started talking English and when people asked me where I was from I told them I was Irish. Because in my mind, culturally, I was. I'm still not feeling at home here but it's getting better. Still miss my irish friends and Dublin lots and lots though ( Thank God for f.b and Skype!). When ever I go to Sweden, which is actually only a train-ride of 20 minutes over a bridge (!), I feel like I can walk down the streets easier, it's so strange!
    I guess one just have to make one's life, just like you write, and find one's place.
    So go and get that 4x5 out and set up your darkroom because there's nothing quite like the feel of the shutter release of a 4x5 and the smell of fix!
    And btw.. as soon as Peter's done with his BA in lanscape architecture where moving over that bridge to Sweden!

  7. Moves are big changes. I feel like I'm also trying to get through the fog two years later. But, dusting myself off and getting time for me is the biggest hurdle and most important step. Grab your camera.

    I moved from the midwest (Indiana) to New England. I love it here. It's becoming home, but it's been a journey. Laugh if you will, but when a familiar grocery came to town, it was a great step forward. Something familiar.

    Illinois is not the Oregon coast, but you'll find beauty there if you look. Like...Golden sunsets after an afternoon thunderstorm. The sky is navy, the corn stalks are electric green and the barns cherry red. I can smell the scene and see it now. It's not the ocean that I have now and love, but it is beautiful.

    Good luck!